For the longest time, I imagined myself as a traditional husband with a wife and kids. Since I was ten years old and looked into the eyes of my newborn cousin, I've seen myself as a father.
Most of my dating life, I found myself with women who put me first in their lives. So I naturally assumed I would marry someone like that who would focus on raising our family while I focused on my career and supporting us.
You won't be surprised to hear that life had different plans for me. It was around the same time that I started feeling disenchanted with Hollywood that I met Dawn. She was nothing like the other women I had dated. She wasn't going to bend to me, and I was immediately taken with her independence and a passion for her work that matched my own.
When we first got together, both Dawn and I thought we wanted a family. We wondered what it would be like to create a life that shared our traits. I fantasizes about what it would be like to raise a little Dawn and I imagine that Dawn entertained the idea of a little Corey running around.
But in truth, as a psychologist who had worked with children of all ages, Dawn had already raised so many children. Simultaneously, I was focused on RTC and the idea of splitting my own attention was a challenge.
Once we added our two dogs to our family, we felt pretty complete.
Now that we are in our early forties, it's hard for me to imagine giving up the freedom I enjoy. I travel for business when I want, and we are able to get away as a couple when we want as well. Our days are ours to determine what to do with. Financially, we have no obligations for anyone's future but our own, and that allows me to take risks with the business and my own creativity that I would likely not feel comfortable taking if I was responsible for another life or two.
I love my life as it is.
With loneliness being a massive trigger of mine, I worry about being lonely when I'm older. I worry I will regret never having looking into the eyes of a life I helped create. I worry that I will pass first and Dawn won't have anyone so close to her to look out for her and make sure she feels loved every day.
Around this question of having children, I've never viewed either answer as better than the other. Just different.
Today, a wandering dog came and hung out with us for a while. She was a wolf like dog named Jessie with a calm temperament and sweetness to her.
We called her owner to let him know we had her and while we waited for him to get back to us she hung out with us in the backyard and then eventually Dawn invited her inside. Max and Daisy were unusually kind to her and she took to our house quickly. She jumped up on the couch and rested from what must have been a scary morning for her.
As I looked over, I wondered if it was time to think about expanding our family again.