Yesterday was an incredibly fun morning for me. I love the pressure of a rolling camera. I enjoy being directed. It's the most extreme playtime for me and I soaked up every minute.
Then the photographer on set showed me some stills he had taken and my heart sank. I didn't recognize the subject of the photos. That guy isn't the me I see in my mind.
My wife and I take enough photos of ourselves that I shouldn't have been surprised. I've seen where my face and neck seem to mush together. I've seen roundness take over where my jaw used to be angular. I've seen how my shirts puff out where I used to be slender.
But yesterday, I was in my zone. I felt younger. I felt more alive. I think it was the incredible power I felt from performing that had me on a high which was simply a taller place from which to fall back to reality.
I thought about that fall all afternoon and evening into today. Maybe it's why I was so moody yesterday traveling home.
Today I made some different decisions than usual in regards to what I ate and I noticed a different feeling in myself than I've had for a while. That feeling was desire. Desire to regain the strength and vitality of my youth. The desire to align my outward appearance with my mental image of myself. The desire to look in the mirror and see the me I see without one.
This is vulnerable to share, not because I'm concerned with anyone knowing how I see myself, but because I want to change and I'm not sure I will.